He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
