Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
