Farmville is her only friend.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
