Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
