My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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