Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
