Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
