sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
