just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
