one might say we're banned from that church
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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