A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Oh god it's open bar.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
