Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
