i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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