last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
