dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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