Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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