so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Randomize
