When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
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