Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
