WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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