Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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