i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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