seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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