We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I wish there were birth control emojis
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
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