I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
