It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You're a waste of cheezeits
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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