yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
