FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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