So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
