You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
