I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
