4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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