Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
