I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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