Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
