Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
