i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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