dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
