I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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