I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
