if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
