I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
