I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
