we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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