I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
