My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
