so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
