so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
