I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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