Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
