So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
